Rayne Allsorts
by JayneDancing
Summary: Cross-posting old fic for completeness. This is a place for drabbles, short fics and dubious poetry with a Rayne Theme. Done this way to avoid lots of little posts. Reviews always lovely. From fluffy to grim, please check warnings on every page.
1. Elmers Glue and Pink Bunnies

Elmers glue and Pink Bunnies challenge

Title - Better than glue  
Rating - PG  
Word count - 100  
Note: Challenges give me odd ideas. It's mildly angsty.

Disclaimer: Better than I own them, no one paid me, suing is pointless.

Better than Glue

Jayne always found her, when Jayne looked, she wanted to be found.

She was running a bottle of Elmers glue through her hair, sticky trails oozing close to her scalp.

Laugh or swear, he couldn't decide.

"Jayne!" she shrieked, throwing herself at him, the bump of her belly nestling into the flat of his, the glue bottle tossed aside.

"I had to glue the cracks in my head, the pink bunnies tried to get in," she said, quite calmly, "but Jayne scared them away."

She couldn't take her drugs while she was pregnant.

Laugh, swear, or cry.

He couldn't decide.


	2. Gambling Man

This was a response to the Tea Dumplings drabble competition (but it's vaguely poetry instead) - subject Gambling...

Firefly

Rating - PG13(?)

Pairing - Jayne/River (Implied)

Disclaimer: Better than I own them, I didn't get paid and suing would be pointless.

* * *

Gambling Man

I'm a gambling man, gets blood pumpin'

Little stakes, big stakes

Dishes or livin'

Dice's rolling, six points, bet's on the passline

Little win, big win

A smile… or sexin' so fine

Poker's dealing ante up, bet or fold

Little loss, big loss

Cryin'… or a real bad 'episode'

Slot's is kid's stuff, but showgirls ain't

Little prick, big prick

Needles… or lovin' her hard, makin' her faint

I'm a gambling man. Odds ain't good

Big lovin', hot dyin'

Strip naked… playin' the best I could


	3. Taps

I should probably be ashamed of this one...

Title: Taps  
Fandom: Firefly  
Rating: PG? PG13? It's a bit suggestive.  
Word count: 100  
Pairing: None as such, Jayne just has a mind like a sink, but then, obviously, so do I...  
Disclaimer: Not mine, not paid (chance would be a fine thing), please don't sue.  
Warnings: Not beta'd

* * *

Taps

Kaylee had replaced the tap fitting. He couldn't remember what the old one was like.

He only noticed now because it was River, uh-nuh, _Crazy's_ turn to clean the kitchen.

With a soapy sponge in her tiny hand, she made a fist around the base of the long, hard, curved, cold steel of the mixer tap and stroked it clean real slow.

Up

And

Down.

Then real fast, pumping her little hand.

Up, down, up, down, up, down, up …

Jayne's spoon dropped out of his mouth and hit the table with a clatter.

"I'll be in my bunk."


	4. A Little Help

**ADVANCED WARNING - HINTS OF PRIOR NON - CON INVOLVING AN OC**

**Title:** A Little Help  
**Prompt:** "Friend" for the Copper for a Kiss Rayne mini challenge  
**Characters:** River, Jayne, OC  
**Ship potential?: **Pre-River/Jayne by a looooooooooooooooong way or maybe not, you choose.  
**Author:** Jaynedancing aka 9_Things  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, not paid, please don't sue  
**Word count**: 950 ish  
**Rating:** 12, for some unpleasantness, hints of possible non con not involving a character.  
**Notes:** Fairly rushed and not beta'd, sorry 'bout that.

**A Little Help**  
Ain't she sumthin'? Them legs just go _all_ the way up."

Jayne's glass of not half bad whiskey froze half way to his mouth. He followed Jacob's eyes to where River was dancing the night away. He had a point, Jayne had reason to know that River did indeed have legs fitting that description and a whole set of other mouth watering attributes.

Of course Jayne's mouth had dried up on that subject the first time the girl had gone wiggy, then turned to dust when she'd slashed him with a butcher's knife. It didn't change the fact that she was pretty and these days he respected her a lot in specific areas but all in all Jayne Cobb would sooner climb into a bag of rattle snakes than into the sack with River Tam.

That being the case he didn't give a good gorramn who the girl chose to make time with, except…

Jacob Webbely was a childhood friend. Strange how you could bump into folks from home all over the verse, but there he was on Three Hills, propping up the make shift bar in the town hall while four fellas fiddled up a storm and an old woman who probably spent her Sundays at the church organ hammered folk tunes from a tired looking upright piano.

From the age of six Jacob and Jayne had played hooky, run riot, stole stuff and when they were fifteen pooled their money to buy a whore for a hour and played rock paper scissors to see who got to go first. Jayne couldn't recall who'd won but he did remember the woman smelt of garlic and peppermints.

For two years after that they'd interspersed their petty crime sprees with the determined chasing of anything in a skirt under forty that looked halfway approachable, but there was a basic difference between Jayne and Jacob.

Jayne in his own way, actually _liked_ women. He liked them willing, he liked pleasing them as long as it didn't get in the way of getting his and even when coin was short and all he could afford was a skirt up, pants down quickie he was careful that his _wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am_ didn't leave the woman smarting.

Jacob now, Jacob was something else. Leaving a girl crying didn't bother him one bit. Jayne was _almost_ certain he only took what was on offer, but he didn't care a cuss for what he took.

Being a whole lot older and when pushed a _bit_ more thoughtful then he'd been at seventeen it occurred to Jayne that getting beat up by a tiny little girl was just the medicine Jacob Webbely deserved.

He opened his mouth to say that he'd be happy to introduce them, but the words tangled up on the trip from his brain and that wasn't what he said. By the time he'd shown Jacob the scar on his chest and described in excruciating detail the state of the Reevers after River had finished with them Jacob had lost interest in River _and_ the plate of chicken wings he'd been holding.

Being Jacob, he got over it, an hour an a half later he was talking to a young woman with red bouncy curls and a sugar sweet smile.

Jayne didn't interfere. In his opinion the girl wasn't any concern of his plus she probably had family at the dance. One of these days Jacob was going to say "I do" with a shot gun rammed up his pi gu and Jayne was going to laugh.

He found himself a seat, a plate of meat with a side of corn and another drink, half an eye on a tall black haired woman about his own age with a sharp but encouraging glint in her eye.

"Jayne!" River made him jump, appearing from nowhere, new clothes and brushed hair making her look half way like a regular girl, holding a plate in her hand.

Jayne's eyes fixated on the plate, it had the biggest slice of cake he had ever seen drizzled all over with sugar syrup and assaulting his nose with tang of lemon.

River pushed the plate in his direction. "To show my appreciation."

Jayne grabbed the plate first, then asked her what she was talking about, showering her in crumbs.

"You protected me from the predator," River replied, brushing sticky cake globs from her skirt. "Unnecessary, but the thought was appreciated."

Jayne shrugged, vaguely uneasy with himself. "Man's a friend of mine, din't want ya cutting off his gāo."

River regarded him thoughtfully, head on one side. "Of course. It is a natural instinct to protect our friends."

Jayne had a niggling suspicion that there was more to that statement than met they eye, he scowled at her. "Thanks for the cake, now git. Bitty thing like you hanging around gonna cramp my style."

River smiled sweetly and turned on her heel, moving in Jacob's direction.

"Girl!" Jayne's hand shot out and caught her arm. "What the hell ya doin'?"

"Your _friend _is about to take that girl outside, my protective instincts are not confined to my friends." She shook her arm gently, dislodging Jayne's hand and slid through the crowd, following Jacob and the red headed girl out into the dark.

Jayne stared after her for a few minutes, his mind revolving slowly. Eventually he abandoned his cake and left through the back door, went back to _Serenity _and spent the rest of the evening stripping Vera to bits and putting her back together again, a task he found soothing.

He never asked River what she did to Jacob and she never told him, but from that night on being around River gave him an uncomfortablness; it took him an awfully long time to figure out why.


	5. Addiction

**ADDITIONAL WARNING: **A grim look at where River could go.

**Title:** Addiction  
**Author: ****jaynedancing** at her firefly fanfic journal**9_things** **  
****Fandom:** Firefly  
**Pairing:** River/Jayne  
**Prompt:** Addiction for the October Rayne_Shippers Challenge using a prompt generator  
**Rating:** PG, though the content is rather grim.  
**Word count:** 147  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, not paid, please don't sue.  
**Warnings/Notes: **Very short, it didn't even want the extra three words that would have made it a drabble and a half. Not fluffy at all and not beta'd.

Addiction  
Wonderful, glorious, silence of nothing.

The more she did it, the more she wanted it and the little girl who watched the raindrops on the window with wonder didn't stand a chance.

So she became _this_.

Automated muscle, bone and sinew. First in defence, then in offence, then for fun, for joy.

For the joy of silence, empty headed nothing. Jayne found he liked her that way.

Jayne came to want her that way.

Jayne finally took her away so they could be that way together.

He gave her other ways to nothingness but it didn't stop the craving for _that_.

When she thought about it, it was funny; Jayne was always so scared of Reavers. But then, he always judged by appearances, told himself he steered her to those who'd earned it.

They wouldn't last long.

But the nothing was worth it.

The nothing was glorious.


	6. Ground Base and Melody

**Title:** Ground Bass and Melody  
**Pairings/Characters: **River/Jayne  
**Author:** Jaynedancing aka 9_Things  
**Prompt:** Ground (See notes)  
**Word count:** 100  
**Rating:** PG (could be U)  
**Disclaimer:** not mine, broke, suing pointless.  
**Notes:** I was looking up dictionary definitions of "ground" for my first idea that didn't fly. I discovered that "Ground" is an abbreviation used for "Ground bass" **def:** a short musical passage continually repeated by the bass as the basis for a changing melody. So I looked up some other musical terms and this came out. I think I have everything right but feel free to point out where I've stuffed up and yes, this may just be sliding a little too close to pretentious clap trap, but hey.

Ground Bass and Melody  
Separately, on the good days scales, diatonic, chromatic, or any other form, but scales, a logical progression between five and twelve, up or down, calculations, plans, reason.

On the bad days capriccioso, un-predicable, volatile, soup in the hair, evaporating flowers in the galley, dancing purple unicorns in the cargo bay.

Bellicoso led to a slashing knife, until it calmed, modified, became ground bass.

Ground bass, the thump of a steady heart, circular grumbling, the strain and grunt of lifted weights, the chink of spoon on bowl.

Something she can build a melody on.

It isn't love.

But it is music.


	7. Hollow

**CROSSOVER FIC, IF YOU ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE ANGELVERSE AND MARCUS HAMILTON THIS WILL MAKE NO SENSE AT ALL**

Title: Hollow  
Famdom: Angel/Firefly  
Charcters: Marcus Hamilton/River Tam  
Prompt: What would happen if the above two met (**romanceguru**)  
Rating: PG  
Word Count: 150ish  
Disclaimer: Not mine, not paid, please don't sue.  
Warnings: Not beta'd

Authors Notes: Slightly edited since first posted on livejournal, has lost the precise drabble and a half word count as a result.

Hollow

The Senior Partners liked the used up earth just fine. They populated it with demons.

Marcus got a millennia or two off for bad behaviour and went along to see what the new worlds would be like. A girl with doe eyes and satin hair stopped to look him in the eye one day.

"You would kiss me, Jayne won't." she said out of nowhere, head on one side.

Intrigued Marcus' nodded.

"My youth wouldn't stop you, it stops Jayne," she announced, her face serious.

He shrugged.

"You'd never care for me, Jayne will." Her voice was certain.

He looked at her, impassive, waiting.

She stared in his eyes a little longer and sighed.

"Jayne is full to the brim, you are hollow. You'd give me nothing easily; he'd give me everything and find it hard." She vanished into the crowd.

He let her go; amused. There were lots of other girls.


	8. Lessons Learned with a Bleeding Funky Pr

**Advanced Warning: Mention of female bodily functions. **

**Title:** Lessons Learned With a Bleeding Funky Princess  
**Characters:** Jayne, River, could be Pre-Rayne or Gen  
**Response to Challenge:** Here  
**Rating:** PG, mention of biological functions  
**Wordcount:** 1207  
**Warnings:**Done at speed and unbeta'd. Shades of TMI

Lessons Learned With a Bleeding Funky Princess

Three jobs had gone catastrophically wrong; Serenity was short of money. Mal had to decide what was essential to get them to Greenleaf where they would drop some cargo and if their luck held, get shot up and find that the customer didn't actually have the coin to pay.

Mal had decided after a discussion that came close to an argument with Simon to take on and therefore pay for only just enough water to run the ship and stop them all dying of dehydration. This meant most of the water re-cycled around the engines rather than through the washing facilities.

No one had had a proper wash for sixteen days. Simon had put Alcohol based hand cleaner in the heads and in the galley for use before cooking.

Everyone was getting pretty funky and everyone was keeping themselves pretty much to themselves.

Even Simon and Kaylee's ardour had cooled.

People smells didn't bother Jayne as a rule, woman smells he actually liked. Real woman smells that is, not the perfumy ones Inara favoured that made his nose itch. However, even he was finding the rest of the crew difficult to be around; his own quarters, regular laundering and the crew's preference for washing had spoiled his sensitive nose.

He'd tried avoiding everyone by staying in his bunk, but that just meant the smell of _his_ unwashed clothes, bedding and person were confined in one place.

Grumpily he went to the galley, found Kaylee and Simon drinking coffee miserably at either end of the table and turned straight around. That gave him the choice of the Cargo Bay or the bridge. He wasn't in the mood to exercise, the last thing he needed was more sweat that he couldn't wash or replace with more fluids.

He stuck his head through the bridge door and found River there absorbed in cleaning her fingernails with a splinter, her legs curled under her.

"Hey girl," he looked at her warily, "bat's flyin' t'day?"

River didn't spare him a glance. "No." she said flatly.

Jayne harrumphed and slid into the main pilot's chair. River always took the co-pilot's, even when Mal wasn't there.

He stared at the stars for a bit. River continued to excavate her fingernails. The silence was actually comfortable.

Finally, as his brain settled down to thinking of nothing his senses started to catalogue his surroundings. He wasn't aware of the processing, it didn't register as thought, but his brain sifted through the input and started to jump up and down to get his attention. He frowned, "You hurt yerself girl?"

Her eyes flickered to his face, "No, I am un-injured."

Jayne's frown deepened, he got up, leaned over and sniffed. "Yer sure 'bout that?"

River's head cocked on one side, wearing a matching frown. "Yes, I think I would be aware if I had damaged myself."

"How come I can smell…" Jayne stopped, the answer leapt into his head and he felt foolish. "Nuthin,'" he dropped back into the chair.

River rolled her eyes, "Blood loss during menstruation averages at 35 millilitres per cycle."

"Huh?"

River took a deep breath, "A woman during her "monthlies" looses about 35 millilitres of blood. It is not a lot."

Jayne sunk further down in his chair. "'Kay, sorry I mentioned it."

"Apology is not required, " River shrugged indifferently. "Is a natural biological function."

Jayne frowned again, "I guess, but…" he hesitated.

River sat up a bit straighter, her face sharpened, "What?"

"Well," Jayne wriggled a bit more, a faint tinge of colour crept into his cheeks, "Why d'ya do it?"

River's eyebrows flew upwards, "Unless I ingest expensive medication a choice is not available to me."

"I know that but…" Jayne struggled to frame his question.

His wants flickered to coherence in River's head. "You wish to understand its function?"

"Yeah," Jayne squirmed, "I guess. Ma tol' me that women folks do it, but she din't explain why."

"Taboo's concerning menstruation are persistent despite improved education," River pulled a face, "Despite a high educational level my parents did not wish it to be mentioned, I was required to take drugs from the first sign of puberty to avoid the problem." She shrugged, "The Tam's did not like to admit that their little princess had unavoidable biological functions."

"They gave ya drugs ta stop ya goin' on the rag?" Jayne made a distasteful face, "That don't seem right, ma sisters seemed real pleased when they started, lot'sa gigglin' and whispering in corners."

River nodded, "Despite the taboo against discussing it with their male relations and associates it was a cause for celebration, a sign of womanhood, I wish…" she pulled a face, "If Mother could have stopped me defecating and urinating, she would."

Jayne grinned, "Bet she wouldda given ya a fartectomy too, have yer puffin' perfume inter the air."

River frowned. "Fartecto… Oh," she rolled her eyes.

Jayne guaffawed.

River waited tolerantly until he stopped laughing, then uncoiled her legs and dropped them to the floor. "Do you have something I can draw on?" She asked politely.

Mal stomped irritably onto the bridge. "River, you still got them calculations you did for a full burn?" He froze, the last thing he expected to find was his two deadliest crewmembers huddled with their heads over a drawing pad. He tried to get a squint at what they were looking at and barely got a glimpse of something vaguely triangular with curly bits off to each side before River slid the pad off the consol and into her pocket. It looked faintly familiar but nothing like a plan of mutiny so he dismissed it for what was principally on his mind. "River? The burn?"

"If Kaylee shunts the main line into the compression cylinders and re-wires the power shift controller to my specifications then a full burn should be achievable for six hours reducing the journey time by 33 hours twenty seven minutes."

Mal nodded briskly, "Do it," He turned on his heel and left the bridge, taking his own personal miasma of body odour and bad temper with him.

"What put the bug up his ass?" asked Jayne of River. "Though he dint want yer ta do the burn case it blew the fuel lines."

River's mouth curled up on one side, "Unpleasant odours have overwhelmed the advantages of uninhibited pheromone production." She grinned at Jayne's "huh?" expression, "Inara refuses to have sex with him until she can wash." Her smile widened at Jayne's hoot of laughter, She stood up. "I must discuss this with Kaylee."

"'Kay," Jayne settled back in his seat, folded his hands over his belly and looked out at the stars. "Hey," he turned to look at River paused in the hatch, looking back at him, "Thanks Princess."

River flushed up to the roots of her hair, she made an indeterminate noise, waved her hand in a vague goodbye and disappeared through the hatch.

Jayne stared after her. She'd never blushed around him before. He shrugged and settled back figuring it was something to do with her monthlies.


	9. Outside and In

**Title**: Outside and in  
**Fandom**: Firefly  
**Cliche-a-thon**: Pre-Rayne "Jayne the rock" has strayed from the true love category. I have mentioned this to Crazywriterchic and she has forgiven me. There is also a passing mention of River sitting and the weight bench gets involved but these things are only in passing.  
**Author**: Jaynedancing  
**Rated**: PG  
**Spoilers**: (Post-BDM, no spoilers)  
**Word count**: 503  
**Warnings**: None  
**Notes**: This is for the cliche-a-thon which can be found here. Huge thanks to Ceslas for the beta and the brain sharing, I have slightly changed two lines so any fluffs are me.

**Outside and in**

River woke up from her nap and felt… blank.

She waited for her thoughts to fly, convoluted concepts to trip from her tongue.

Nothing came.

She felt relentlessly sane, pedestrian and weighted to _Serenity_'s decks as if her feet were hobbled with rocks.

It was horrible. Feeling better was one thing, but this was terrifying.

She went to find Jayne because there was only Jayne to find. Everyone else was off the ship. _Serenity_ was parked in a ravine, miles from anywhere.

He'd fallen asleep on the weight bench, his leg in plaster from the knee down. He'd got River-sitting duty because of it, a responsibility he was hardly taking seriously.

She examined him from all angles, outside and in. He wasn't dreaming.

Jayne was hardly an intricate tapestry at the best of times; his dangling mental threads were separate and distinct in repose, a rapidly moving cat's cradle at best when he was active.

Everyone else was writhing knots that tightened, unravelled and danced constantly in a psychadelic frenzy.

This was the first time they had been entirely alone, the first time that she had no other feedback from her immediate surroundings.

This could not continue, she understood that this normalcy might be "a consummation devoutly to be wished" from the point of view of the rest of the crew but it wasn't to her. She added a new crime to list of those perpetrated by her captors. To leave her so open to others that she could not function fully without them. A tear trickled down her face.

What could she do now? She could not continue this way, he was a rock and she was anchored to him until the others got back and that could be _hours_.

A rock was of no use to her, a rock weighed her down.

She sniffed and examined Jayne again. His threads dangled, quiescent. Nature demanded that he would enter REM sleep eventually but, she tried to make calculations frustrated by the sloth and linear nature of her thought processes, since thirteen minutes had passed since she awoke there were a possible seventy-five minutes before he would start dreaming.

Unacceptable.

What would create the most activity in Jayne's brain? She wanted him angry or scared for the best result. An angry or scared Jayne might be something to fear if you weren't River Tam, but she was, so what to do?

Ah.

River straddled his hips and cut off his sleep fogged "huh!" with a kiss, modelled on the romantic dramas she had watched with Kaylee. An _intense _kiss, with lots of _tongue_.

The rock shattered.

His head filled with noise and activity and to her delight so did hers, until she realised what their heads were filled _with_.

She tore herself away, her hand flying to her mouth and looked down at him with wide, dilating eyes seeing him outside and in.

He looked straight back, bizarrely, impossibly she was convinced that he saw her too.

Outside and in.


	10. Perception

**Title**: Perception  
**Fandom**: Firefly  
**Cliche-a-thon**: Pre-Rayne "River make-over makes Jayne see her as a woman."  
**Author**: Jaynedancing  
**Rated**: PG  
**Spoilers**: (Post-BDM, no spoilers)  
**Word count**: 250  
**Warnings**: Not beta'd  
**Notes**: There is another, longer piece with Ceslas as we speak. This is for the cliché-a-thon which can be found here

Perception

The spanner dropped from Jayne's nerveless fingers and landed on Kaylee's toe. He didn't apologise or pay the slightest bit of attention as Kaylee hopped madly, cursing big clumsy mercs and her decision to wear flip-flops that morning.

His attention was focussed on the door; he simply didn't have words for what he was seeing.

"River honey," quite obviously Kaylee had seen her too, "you playin' dress up?" Her voice hovered somewhere between fascination and horror and Jayne could see why.

River removed the shiny red lollipop from her mouth and waved it at Jayne. "Is this how you see me?" she asked, ignoring Kaylee.

Jayne screwed his eyes shut, then forced them open again. River had her hair in braids and each one began and ended with a blue and white gingham checked bow. The fabric matched the little dress River was wearing, it had a high ruffled neck, a yoke and puff sleeves. It finished just above her knee showing off River's knee high socks and round toed patent leather buckle shoes.

She looked like one of his sisters,aged about eight, in her best Sunday go to meeting clothes.

Jayne badly wanted to throw up.

River stared at him narrowly then nodded in satisfaction. "Good, progress has been made." She turned on her heel and marched away, braids bobbing.

Jayne sagged into a corner. He ignored Kaylee who was being loud and clear about how confused _she_ was.

He needed to think, or a drink, perhaps both.


End file.
